Brenda Dater, MPH, MSW
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Top Tips for De-Stressing IEP Meetings

9/15/2014

10 Comments

 
By Brenda Dater
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IEP meetings can be very stressful--especially if you feel that your child is misunderstood and other parents have told you to expect a fight. As a mom who has attended IEP meetings since 1998 for my own kids and sat in on countless others through my work at AANE and helping friends, I've noticed that the following key tips can help you leave the meeting in a more hopeful state.  Try them out at your next team meeting and let me know if they help!

What to do Before the Meeting

1.  Ask for an agenda or provide one to the team chair:  Think about what's most important to discuss with your team. If the topic isn't on their agenda, let them know ahead of time that you'd like to include it.  
2. Clarify how much time you will have for the meeting: If there isn't enough time to cover important concerns request another meeting to continue the conversation and make decisions about your child's plan.  
3. Think about your triggers:  What sets you on edge in your child's meetings? Is it a particular person, subject or phrase?  In my case it was when a teacher told me that labeling my child with a disability was holding him back and hurting him. I should've ignored her comment and shifted us back to developing his IEP. Instead I launched into a lecture on the history of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) and why her statement wasn't true. Now I try to take a few deep breaths or ask for a break when I feel myself getting upset in meetings. 
4.  Organize your own thinking and priorities:  It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you don't have a sense of what to focus on or what's most important to put in place for your child. Review current evaluations, your child's strengths and needs, and make a list of needs you want to talk about.

How to Respond During the Meeting

If the team members make the following types of statements and you start to feel angry or anxious, try some of these responses:
  • If a team member says, "We don't do that.":  Try responding with, "You haven't done it yet. It doesn't mean it's not possible. How can we individualize his program to meet his needs?"
  • If a team member says, "We don't think your child needs that level of support or services.": Try responding with, "It sounds like we're in disagreement about what my child needs. I think we need more information to better understand his academic and functional needs."
  • If a team member says, "We don't have anybody on staff who can provide that service for your child.": Try responding with, "It sounds like it might be time to find an outside consultant who has the skills to do the work."
  • If a team member says, "We don't see the needs in school.": Try responding with, "She isn't generalizing skills into other environments. Demonstrating a skill in a small group setting is necessary but not sufficient."
  • If a team member says, "You need to sign the IEP today so we can start providing services.": Try responding with, "I need to take this home and review it. I will get it back to you before the deadline."
  • If a team member says anything else that upsets you: Try responding with, "I'll need to think about that and get back to you." You can also say you need a break.

What to do After the Meeting

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1.  Do something relaxing:  Team meetings can take a toll on parents (and teachers).  Please take care of yourself afterwards.
2.  Send a follow up email to your team:  I usually wrote an email that stated, "This is my understanding of what we agreed to and what is still to be decided.  Please let me know if there are any corrections needed."  
3.  Do something fun with your child:  Choose something you and your child will enjoy together. It's important to take a break from thinking about the meeting and put your energy into positive time with your child.
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Additional Resources

AANE On-Demand Training covers topics to help you work with your school team. Check out what is available for writing measurable IEP goals, developing transition plans, transition to middle school, transition to high school and the Asperger Syndrome IEP process. Lots of titles to choose from!
10 Comments
Jane Hirschhorn link
9/15/2014 08:58:08 am

I have worked with students with learning differences, but rarely attended an IEP meeting. Your post offered some insight into what some parents may feel and experience during these meetings. Thanks for your thoughts and tips.

Reply
Brenda Dater link
9/15/2014 09:46:09 am

Hi Jane--thanks for your kind comment. Please feel free to share with the parents you work with if you think it will be helpful to them.

Reply
Deborah Marcus
9/15/2014 09:43:57 am

I love this! It's like a great toolbox that every parent should familiarize themselves with before their IEP meeting. I love the "We don't do that" comment. I heard that one a couple years ago from a guidance counselor following up on our meeting. After reminding her that "I" stood for Individualized and asking who I needed to call to find out why they weren't individualizing plans anymore I got a return phone call back in (literally) less than two minutes saying that it could indeed be done. Thankfully incidents like this were very rare for my family in our district.

Reply
Brenda Dater link
9/15/2014 09:52:07 am

Great story Deborah! Thanks for sharing and I'm so glad you knew how to respond in that moment. It makes all the difference. Glad it's mostly been so positive for your family!

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Julie Hopper
9/16/2014 02:55:09 am

I feel very lucky after reading this. I have never heard any of the above phrases, in fact my child's school has accommodated everything she needed. What's more, she is very above average intelligence, and they are doing this, not to get her to a passing level, but so that she can handle the enrichment program and excel in her school career in the future, as she is that bright. It is terrible that parents need to push so hard to get what they need in other districts....

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Brenda Dater link
9/16/2014 05:29:38 am

Hi Julie--that's wonderful to hear about how your daughter's team is meeting her needs. It is exhausting for so many parents and I look forward to the day when all schools follow the lead of yours!

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Jennifer Hardy
9/16/2014 05:18:00 am

thank you for this advice: I got stopped yesterday to be informed that my one's son IEP (since they wrote it in April of last year)would be the same with no alterations. This was in the parking lot!! and maybe we could reassess it in the new year. I didn't think that was appropriate and told them so. meetings are scheduled for my other's son IEP and this time I am coming prepared with suggestions from outside therapist too and hopefully they will follow through and not just give it a try and then move on because they didn't like the suggestions made on the IEP. Wish me luck!

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Brenda Dater link
9/16/2014 05:34:08 am

Hi Jennifer--Sorry about the parking lot conversation--those are hard to take. You can always request a team meeting (in writing) if there are issues that you think need to be addressed before the "annual meeting." I've done that because we need to "amend" the IEP, but it isn't time to "re-write" a new one yet. This happens all the time.

Good luck with your meetings and it sounds like you are on the right track!

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Judy Narod
9/16/2014 10:36:21 am

Don't let them tell you that your kid is done with services unless you truly believe it. They take kids off to save money.

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Presley link
4/16/2019 07:05:28 pm

Great suggestions Brenda!

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    Brenda Dater is the author of Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome). Brenda is also the Director of Child and Teen Services at AANE.

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