Brenda Dater, MPH, MSW
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Realistic Asperger Family Resolutions to Reduce Stress

1/4/2015

6 Comments

 
By Brenda Dater
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Family resolutions are tricky because you aren't just focusing on your own behavior. For many years I had dreams of happy family outings that didn't require strategic pre-planning and careful execution to avoid meltdowns. I also hoped for interactions where one person talked at a time (at a reasonable volume). But this year, I'm setting realistic family resolutions.

Family resolutions from a parent's perspective

Every family is different. Please don't feel like you have to incorporate these specific examples into your family. Resolutions can help you think about what you'd like more of in the coming year. Here's my list:
  • Family game night each Sunday:  It's easy to look at all the things that aren't working well in your family--homework, too much screen time, inflexibility or meltdowns--and get overwhelmed and frustrated. But don't forget to focus on what is working well--even if it is small or short-lived. For me, playing a board game together, even if it lasts just 10 minutes without argument, feels great.
  • Cook together on Saturdays: One of the surest ways to feel bad about your family is to compare it to another family. You know your own (and your family's) flaws, but only see what other families present to you. I used to feel like a failure when other families seemed to easily travel, go out to eat or have large parties. Those activities were stressful for my family when our kids were younger. But my family loved watching movies together, playing board games and making food at home. Once I stopped worrying about what we "should" be doing, I started enjoying time with my family more.
  • Start a family book club: I'll be honest, I didn't always love every conversation about topics that captured my sons' interests. I yawned my way through many Pokemon games, slept through Yu-gi-oh television shows, and my eyes blurred with the hundredth reading of any book about trucks. But, my kids loved these topics and we could use them to encourage conversation and interaction with other kids and adults. Since we all love to read, we're starting a family book club with one of our favorite authors, Terry Pratchett.
  • Yell at each other less than once each day: Our children aren't purposefully trying to make things harder for us. They work hard each day to manage social, emotional, academic and organizational demands from parents, siblings, peers and teachers and are doing the best they can with the skills they have. They don't always have the extra energy required to respond well to tasks that are either difficult or boring. We can help them through these stressful moments by trying to understand their point of view and being flexible. Once they've regained their composure, we can talk with them about what went wrong and how to respond next time. Rigid kids and rigid adults don't mix.

Family resolutions from my son's perspective

  • Include the family pet: Everything is easier to handle when holding my dog. If you want me to listen to you or do something hard, let me feel comfortable first.
  • Focus on one thing at a time: Don't give me a long list of things to do. I can't process all that at once. 
  • Recognize that I move in "Asperger time": I respond slowly when you ask me to do something. Count to 30 before you ask me again. Don't get frustrated when I don't finish a task as quickly as you'd like me to--I move at a different pace.
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Wishing you and your family a year filled with joyful moments, laughter and smiles. You're not alone!  Join Parenting without Panic on Facebook
6 Comments
Charlene Cros
1/4/2015 03:17:58 am

I have an Asperger family as well. This is good, do-able advice! We have three new board games given at Christmas and have been integrating family game time in our household. I've never been one to care for games but I'm learning to appreciate them for the benefits they bring to my family. Read-a-louds have been a favorite pastime as well, especially with Roald Dahl books.

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Brenda Dater link
1/4/2015 07:00:56 am

Hi Charlene--hope you enjoy your new games and that they bring your family some nice time together. Read-a-louds are great and we also love Roald Dahl books. Happy New Year to you!

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Darren Buckley
1/8/2015 08:39:36 am

Thank you for this I myself have a son of 12 with aspergers i find it difficult most days to work out what's going to happen next as I guess everyone does but when you see information as above its great and helpful everything that has happened since he was diagnosed we have had to fight for,search for and do most of it on our own but my boy is worth it all Especially the moments when he hugs me and tells me he loves me and he give me a smile it break my heart again thank you

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Brenda Dater link
1/8/2015 10:05:08 am

Hi Darren--I'm glad you found the article helpful. I hope you get more hugs and know that you are loved by your son!

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Carolyn Walker
1/14/2015 06:09:24 am

Thank you so much for the tips in your article. It gives me HOPE! My Asperger son, now 18 (w/a quadruple diagnosis) has made my dream of "family life" an unrealized dream. There have been many attempts of family trips, board games, family outings etc. My daughter is now 21, and a college student living on her own with many difficulties relating to being home. I see small steps in the right direction, then steps backward. When mental illness is in the picture, Asperger's seems like nothing! We are continuing to press on, with multiple professionals helping us now, but when I read your article it helped me to know that other families are in a similar situation. Thank you!

Brenda Dater link
1/15/2015 02:57:03 am

Hi Carolyn,
Thanks so much for your comment and I'm glad the post reminded you that you're not alone.

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    Brenda Dater is the author of Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome). Brenda is also the Director of Child and Teen Services at AANE.

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