Brenda Dater, MPH, MSW
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Dear Parents of Typical Kids

9/12/2015

9 Comments

 
By Brenda Dater
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Dear parents of typical kids,

I could have been labeled a helicopter parent for my oldest son, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 years old. When he started middle school 8 years ago, I tried to arrange for neighborhood kids to walk or bike to and from school together. I knew that other parents were not making plans for their kids. But my son was completely unaware of others’ plans and  he wanted to be included and  he didn’t feel comfortable calling to make arrangements on his own. 

“Could the boys ride to school together?” I asked a friend.
“I’m not sure what they’ve decided.” She responded.
“Maybe we could try it for the first couple of days?” I offered.
“I’ll ask.”

After three days of trying, my son was on his own. He couldn’t speed up and they didn’t slow down. It didn’t work for them to ride together.

I get it. My youngest son is starting middle school and he makes his own plans for getting to and from school with his buddies. I’m not thinking about which of his friends might need extra help from him at the start of the year. I don’t think the parents or children from 8 years ago were uncaring people for not continuing to include my son when they wanted to ride to school at a faster pace. But it would’ve made me jump for joy if they had considered how to make it work for all of them.

It’s hard to have such different needs from the majority of people around you. I had to remain more involved than other parents so that my son could be part of the group. I was the mom asking other parents what their kid’s after-school plans were weeks before school began. I was the mom offering to host kids at my home so my child had a friend to interact with. I was the mom providing fun activities and endless ice cream to make my home the gathering spot. I was involved in social planning longer than other parents. And that can be confusing and overwhelming for other parents who don’t have a child who needs extra help.

Please remember that I’m not bugging you because I want to micromanage my child’s social life. Eight years ago, I was teaching my child how to make plans with friends because he wasn’t able to do it on his own yet. Other kids ventured out into the world with less parental hand holding, but mine still needed help to interpret and manage the increasingly demanding social world of middle school.


Tips to help all children feel included

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I know it’s not your job to look out for my kid, but I hope you can imagine what it would be like if your child was the one struggling socially. I hope you can imagine that another parent or child reaching out would make all the difference between being included and being ignored. Here’s how you can help.

Ask the parent and child what they need: When my oldest son was in middle school, another family wanted to include him in a birthday party at a noisy venue. They asked my son and me how to make it comfortable for him to participate. They were direct and kind and left us with the feeling that it wasn’t a big deal to be accommodating.

Offer to try something: Sometimes parents are worried about committing their child to weeks or months of plans with other children. Offer to try something for a week and see how it works out for all the kids.

Give children choices about how to build community: Allow kids to choose how they’ll try to include all kinds of kids. It’s not an option to decline building a more inclusive community, but they can choose how to be involved in the process.

Give me the benefit of the doubt: If my behavior confuses you, please assume I’ve got a good reason to be anxious. Kids on the autism spectrum don’t typically transition easily to new schools, people, or activities. Before any major transition, there were a array of activities that I did with my son to help him prepare and understand what the new setting would be like for him. It included touring the space, meeting with new teachers, looking at the website, talking to students who were already at the school, having go-to people set up for the beginning of the year, and having a plan B in case my kid got anxious. It may seem like overkill to you, but that’s what allowed my child to participate in a typical day at a typical school. 


I wish you and your kids a smooth transition to this next school year. 

You can help parents of children on the autism spectrum feel less isolated

Please give a copy of Parenting without Panic to your school, pediatrician's office, YMCA or JCC, after-school program, therapist's office, child care provider, or Big Brothers Big Sisters. Every family deserves instant access to support and practical information when they are raising a child on the autism spectrum.

You are not alone. Join the Parenting without Panic community on Facebook and Twitter. 
9 Comments
Joaquin Roberto Millan
9/17/2015 04:18:14 pm

thank u for your comments it really helps that somebody out there is trying to make a change in our kids life God bless wish u the best in luck

Reply
Brenda Dater link
9/19/2015 07:35:18 am

Thanks for your kind comment Joaquin. Please share the blog and Parenting without Panic with anyone who needs it. No parent or child needs to feel isolated-we are all in this together!

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Tania
9/18/2015 04:22:43 am

How this resonates with me - a beautifully factual piece of writing.

Reply
Brenda Dater link
9/19/2015 07:37:02 am

Thanks Tania-I hope your family has support and connection. Please share the blog and Parenting without Panic with anyone who needs it!

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Patty
9/18/2015 08:16:45 am

Thank you!

Reply
Brenda Dater link
9/19/2015 07:37:51 am

You are welcome Patty! Thanks for reading and sharing the information with others who need it!

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Trevor and alison wright
9/18/2015 09:11:28 pm

My son to has aspergers I don't think the other kids understand because there are lots of parents out there have no understanding of or any interest in other peoples children some of them even encourage there children to bully disabled children my wife and family are devisated that parents out there can be so cruel and what is worse is that even though there only jut a few children behaving in this manner the core of the bullies parents work with children or worse still work with autistic children

Reply
Brenda Dater link
9/19/2015 07:41:00 am

Hi Trevor and Alison-it can be so hard sometimes. I'm sorry that you are going through this with your family. Please know you are not the only family and reaching out online you can find other families who understand so you don't feel so isolated and alone (even though the situation is difficult). Check out the online groups at the Asperger/Autism Network (AANE). www.aane.org

Reply
Kelley
9/23/2015 10:55:50 pm

Beautiful post. Our son was 14 before we finally figured out he has ADHD. Then at 45 I got my own diagnosis! It answered so many questions including part of why he (and I) have struggled socially and academically. We found a huge key in both of our lives is pursuing something that gives us a measure of success, as one of the biggest determinants of healthy self image is success. We helped him thrive in a sport he enjoyed (he became a competitive shotgun shooter!) and by his senior year of highschool he had developed a lot more confidence, so much so that he took on a very intensive ap govt. class and competed with his classmates on expertise about the constitution in Washington DC this year. He made solid friends and they have developed through church, his shooting team, and high school, and it was an huge asset not have to just rely on finding friends at school. By senior year he had also started his own business and the newspaper wrote a story about him; boosting him a little further and giving him more confidence. Now my son is in college; his roommate is a good friend who also happened to be on his shooting team, he is working toward a Bachelors Degree and has joined ROTC. All that being said, I just want to encourage parents to hang in there! Help him or her find that thing that their brains have been training them to succeed at their whole lives. Don't give up on yourselves or worry you are failing as a parent.

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    Brenda Dater is the author of Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome). Brenda is also the Director of Child and Teen Services at AANE.

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