Dear Grandma and Grandpa--I'm Not a Bad Kid

2/8/2015

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
I know you think I'm rude sometimes. The last time you tried to take me to the movies I screamed and put my hands over my ears because it was too loud and you got mad at me and said I ruined the movie for my little sister. Afterwards, when I was pacing in the back of the restaurant, you told me I needed to sit down with everyone. I heard you tell my mom that she should ignore me when I have a meltdown because all I want is attention. Sometimes I think you don't like me very much. But I want to let you know, I'm not a bad kid, I'm living with Asperger's.

Please learn about Asperger's/autism spectrum

I know it seems like I don't care about anybody but myself. I really like to talk about the things that interest me and it's hard for me to listen to other people talk about other topics.. But that doesn't mean I'm trying to make you feel bad on purpose or that I want to hurt your feelings. Will you please read about Asperger's so that you can understand me better? Here are some examples of why it's hard for me to do what you expect.

I don't have a great editor in my brain that helps me stop and think before I say things-but that doesn't mean I want to hurt someone else's feelings. I'm still learning the rules about what to say out loud and what to keep to myself. Be calm when you explain why my words aren't helpful and give me other options.

Meltdowns happen because I'm overwhelmed or anxious. I don't like them either. If I knew a way to stay calm when I get frustrated, I would. It's really hard to take deep breaths and let things go once I'm upset. Don't talk to me too much or try to reason with me. You can show me a picture or remind me of ways I can calm down (like taking a break or listening to music).
It can be hard for me to recognize the nonverbal cues you use to express emotions. I don't always pick up on tone of voice, facial expressions, body language or gestures. Be explicit about what you are trying to express with your tone of voice or body language. Tell me what you are trying to show me.
Loud noises and being confined in a tight space with lots of people makes me very uncomfortable. That's why I like to get up and move around or use headphones. Make sure I have a "Plan B" in case the first plan doesn't work out.

Additional ways you can help

It's hard when everyone points out everything I do wrong. It would be nice if you could appreciate what I'm good at and not always focus on what's hard for me. I love to read and we could go to the bookstore or library together. I can research things on the internet for you. Maybe we could play chess together. Here are other things you can do to help:

Write out a schedule so I know what to expect when we're together
Be flexible and patient with me
Appreciate what I'm good at and learn about the topics and things that interest me
Offer choices for activities. We might not have the same definition of "fun."

I love you--(mom told me to write that)
Your grandchild

Join the Parenting without Panic Community on Facebook--grandparents welcome!

18 Comments

Patty

2/11/2015 05:15:22 am

Awesome! I'm sure many parents with ASD kids will be forwarding this to their parents!

Brenda Dater link

2/12/2015 12:18:08 am

Thanks Patty--I'm glad you found it useful! Thanks for sharing it too.

Jessica

2/11/2015 02:21:04 pm

Very well written, as a mom of Jack who has a dual diagnosis of combined ADHD and ASD-Asperger's, I find it extremely difficult to explain what he needs and strives for to people around him and especially my parents. I appreciate you sharing this, I do. With love & light, Jessica

Brenda Dater link

2/12/2015 12:19:58 am

Thanks Jessica--I hope it helps your family understand Jack better. Sometimes family members "get it" more easily when they read it from another source.

Jenn

2/13/2015 10:10:01 am

Thank you so much for this - you hit the nail on the head - not just for grandparents either.

Brenda Dater link

2/16/2015 10:19:02 am

Thanks Jenn--I agree it translates to any age and any relationship. I appreciate your comment.

Carol

2/13/2015 10:32:41 am

In my case I'm the grandmother/guardian of a 9 yo ASD/ADHD / ODD/PTSD/SPD child who finds herself trying to "explain" to family members that his behavior is NOT because he's "spoiled " and a "good spanking " won't "fix" him! Maybe THIS will open their eyes!!

Brenda Dater

2/16/2015 10:20:28 am

Carol--I hope the letter will help others understand grandchild. Thanks for being a supportive grandmother/guardian!

Meena

2/16/2015 07:28:14 pm

I have a granddaughter with autism but inspite of her stuberness and tantrums I love her very much and reading about her conditions I have started understanding her much more then before God bless her and always be with her for the rest of life

Brenda Dater

2/17/2015 02:00:09 pm

Meena--Thank you for your comment. Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.

Roberta

2/18/2015 02:19:50 am

my son is 22 - I wish I had known what was wrong when he was younger.

michelle

2/26/2015 08:19:56 am

Oh so true! Better awareness of society will help.

Anthony Turtle

2/27/2015 06:39:19 am

As the Gumpy (Grandpa) of Maia who has a wide range of nasties attacking her, I realise what you are going on about. Maia has a "Special Place" when we go out to cafes and restaurants (Quick Service ones), she says "I'm going to my special place" and slides under the table. Difficult in the bigger places, but our regular cafe, the staff see her slide under the table and say "Maia's safe now then" (Thanks, "Hoagies Reloaded" in Hastings).

I might try the headphones and mp3 player idea, as soon as I can afford it.

Thanks, Brenda!

Brenda Dater

3/3/2015 11:54:37 am

Thanks for sharing your story Anthony--how lucky Maia is to have you.

Sonja

3/5/2015 04:08:20 am

I think this is great. I would like to say though my son's grandfather (my dad) has always had a special relationship with him and really seems to be one of the people that understands him most. Countless times just pre-meltdown in public places I've phoned my dad and from him just talking to him (about anthing) have averted the crisi.

hilde ettrick

3/5/2015 08:56:34 am

Please don't be too hard on grandparents. Sometimes we are the ones who have the time , patience and understanding to educate ourselves and find out as much as possible about our grandchildren's condition so that we can help the parents and child as much as possible.
My grandson is a most precious being. We love him beyond words and certainly never feel frustrated with him. We wouldn't change him for the world

Carolyn link

3/5/2015 12:08:30 pm

I have custody of my grandson since hei was 4 he is now 14.I knew something was wrong so I took him to a Dr.He referred me to a phychritist and all kind of paperwork on him was filled out and he would go every 2 weeks to see her.He is diagnosed with Aspergers.my husband and I have worked with him all these years and he also takes medication.He also has a talent with art.He has improved to the point of focusing so well in school 8th grade with all B's.He will be going to high school next yr.He hasn't had to go to special education because they said he graded to high for special ed.But I do have a granddaughter whom has aspergers.I don't have custody of her don't know what happened but she has been in group homes for 7 yrs.Different mother will not let me see her.They left the state.

Betty Giles link

3/5/2015 12:26:23 pm

This is absolutely beautiful! I am very blessed to have an awesome grandson with Asperger's. He is one of the greatest joys of my life. He will be 19 yrs old later this year & a high school grad with plans for college. God has truly blessed our family with this young man. Please give these kids all the love, support & understanding you can by educating yourselves about Asperger's & other disorders on the Autism spectrum. They are truly amazing!