Category: Support

Dear Parents of Typical Kids

9/12/2015

Dear parents of typical kids,

I could have been labeled a helicopter parent for my oldest son, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 years old. When he started middle school 8 years ago, I tried to arrange for neighborhood kids to walk or bike to and from school together. I knew that other parents were not making plans for their kids. But my son was completely unaware of others’ plans and he wanted to be included and he didn’t feel comfortable calling to make arrangements on his own.

9 Comments

Therapy 101: Tips for Deciding How to Spend Your Time, Money and Energy

12/6/2014

4 Comments

By Brenda Dater

When my son, Noah, was diagnosed with Asperger's 15 years ago, we were told he needed to have speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, sensory integration therapy and join a social skills group. I felt like I had to do everything the doctor recommended or else I'd be missing an opportunity to help my child. I spent a large proportion of my time driving to appointments and sitting in waiting rooms with lots of other moms. And I wondered, how will I know if this is the right thing to do?

4 Comments

You Don't Have to be a Perfect Parent

11/4/2014

7 Comments

By Brenda Dater

I love the idea of being a "good enough" parent. But there have been times when I felt like I had to be perfect--like when I was trying to teach a new skill to my kids or we had a pivotal school meeting. We are all doing the best we can with the skills we have at any point in time. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect, no intervention or program is perfect--and so we shouldn't expect perfection from ourselves, our children or the strategies we try.

7 Comments

Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

10/24/2014

1 Comment

By Brenda Dater

When our kids were young, I wanted my husband to read everything I could find about Asperger's. I often felt compelled to try (almost) every intervention suggested to us, especially when the diagnosis was new. My husband was supportive, but skeptical.

Finding the balance between our approaches wasn't always easy. Sometimes we let being right be more important that finding a solution. Sometimes our conversations were so predictable it was as if we were following a script in a poorly written play. And sometimes we'd have an "aha" moment and be able to solve a tough problem together.

But what do you do when you and your partner disagree on why your child is struggling and what you should do about it?

1 Comment

Top Tips for Dealing with Parents who Exclude Your Kid

9/29/2014

3 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Through the years I've had parents actively intervene to keep their kid away from mine. One time a mom told me her family would be in Hawaii during my son's Bar Mitzvah. Then we saw her son walking down our street on the day of the service.

Another time a mom whose child enjoyed being with my son said she didn't want them to play together. She explained that she thought her son was picking up "autistic behaviors" and wanted him with "typical" kids so he'd be "more normal."

I'm not sure which is worse--the parent who clearly states she doesn't want your child anywhere near her own, or the one who lies to get out of potential interactions. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut by both of these moms. And I wondered, why do parents exclude our kids and what can we do when this happens?

3 Comments

Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer: Practical Tips for Parenting without Panic

9/22/2014

0 Comments

By Brenda Dater

"Parents want to know if their children will be okay. They want to know what the future holds. I am full of hope for my own children and yours too. I hope that we are laying the foundation for them to understand themselves and the world around them. I hope that they believe in themselves and appreciate their abilities. I hope that the challenges and problems they encounter build their sense of resilience and bravery. And I hope they know how glad we are to have them in our lives."

--From "Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome)"

0 Comments

Top Tips for De-Stressing IEP Meetings

9/15/2014

10 Comments

By Brenda Dater

IEP meetings can be very stressful--especially if you feel that your child is misunderstood and other parents have told you to expect a fight. As a mom who has attended IEP meetings since 1998 for my own kids and sat in on countless others through my work at AANE and helping friends, I've noticed that the following key tips can help you leave the meeting in a more hopeful state. Try them out at your next team meeting and let me know if they help!

10 Comments

5 Tips to Help your Child with Asperger's/Autism Develop Problem Solving Skills

9/6/2014

3 Comments

By Brenda Dater

I woke up this morning to a flurry of text messages sent during the wee hours of the night from my son who just started college this past week. They began with an urgent health question to me because health services was closed.. They ended with this,
"Going to the hospital about this, probably nothing, thought I should let you know."
And this an hour and a half later, "I'm fine, there wasn't anything to worry about. Just letting you know."

3 Comments

Top 5 Tips for Going to College with Asperger's/Autism: What can you do in High School?

8/26/2014

0 Comments

By Brenda Dater

My son, Noah-age 4, with grandpa

My son, Noah, leaves for college in 2 days. He was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when he was 3 years old. When he started high school, my mantra about college was, "There's no one way to do life after high school." I didn't want him to feel like he had to follow the path of everyone around him.

I wanted him to know that he could adapt to new environments, academic requirements, social expectations and living independently at a pace that worked well for him. I didn't want to hold him back and tell him he couldn't step out of his comfort zone and I also didn't want to pretend this transition would be smooth and easy because he'd done well in high school.

0 Comments

7 Tips for Parenting without Panic--Hint Set Realistic Expectations

8/19/2014

2 Comments

By Brenda Dater

It's the middle of the night. I can't sleep--not because I'm not tired--but because I've got a list of "to-dos" running through my mind. I'm thinking about planning the next year's workshops and support groups at AANE. I'm sorting out the details for upcoming Parenting without Panic book events. I'm thinking about the follow up my 18-year-old son with Asperger's needs to do before he heads to college. And I'm wondering how to sort through the mountains of paper I've accumulated in our home over the past year. I know that none of these tasks are critical. If they don't happen, it will be inconvenient and frustrating, but not tragic. And yet, it's still keeping me awake when I'd rather be snoozing next to my husband.

Even though my rational brain knows that there's only so much thinking and doing I can accomplish on any given day, I still expect that I'll have the time and energy to do more. And yet, the harder I try and push, the more depleted and overwhelmed I feel. And I don't think I'm alone. Many parents feel like they should be able to do more, accomplish more, help their kids more--especially when they have kids on the autism spectrum. But what happens when we are too hard on ourselves, focus too much on what we should do and not enough on what is possible in this moment? We can start to feel like Lucy in the candy factory…and we know how well that turned out.

2 Comments

Dear Parents of Typical Kids

Therapy 101: Tips for Deciding How to Spend Your Time, Money and Energy

You Don't Have to be a Perfect Parent

Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

Top Tips for Dealing with Parents who Exclude Your Kid

Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer: Practical Tips for Parenting without Panic

Top Tips for De-Stressing IEP Meetings

5 Tips to Help your Child with Asperger's/Autism Develop Problem Solving Skills

Top 5 Tips for Going to College with Asperger's/Autism: What can you do in High School?

7 Tips for Parenting without Panic--Hint Set Realistic Expectations

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