Category: Parenting

Gently Pushing My Child Out of His Comfort Zone

9/10/2016

My 20-year-old son, Noah, was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 and I’ve felt uncertain about how much to push him out of his comfort zone ever since.

2 Comments

Disclosure 101: Why Parents Need to Talk to their Kids

1/26/2016

5 Comments

By Brenda Dater

"How will I know when it's time to tell my children about their Asperger's/Autism diagnoses?"
"What should I say if my child asks me a question about autism?"
"Won't it just hurt his self-esteem to know a diagnosis? How does having a label help?"
"What's the best way to tell my children about their diagnoses? What shouldn't I do?"

Parents call AANE with these and similar questions everyday. They want to help their children understand themselves--understand how their diagnoses may affect them--but they also worry about what happens next. I posed the question of why parents should tell their children about an Asperger's diagnosis to my 18-year-old son, Noah, who was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 3 years old. With the help of our dog, Lavender, this is what he had to say…

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What to do with Unhelpful Helpers

11/3/2015

2 Comments

By Brenda Dater

"You need to get rid of all juice, soda and candy in the house," my sons' pediatric dentist scolded as he pulled me out into the hall after their appointments. "Your boys' teeth show signs of decay. You aren't being strict enough."

My face turned red as I tried to keep my voice from shaking, "Could you talk to them about their teeth and what they need to do?" I asked.

"No, I need to keep a positive relationship with them. You need to do a better job of making sure they brush and floss and keep sugar away from them." he told me as he walked away.

2 Comments

You Don't Have to be a Perfect Parent

11/4/2014

7 Comments

By Brenda Dater

I love the idea of being a "good enough" parent. But there have been times when I felt like I had to be perfect--like when I was trying to teach a new skill to my kids or we had a pivotal school meeting. We are all doing the best we can with the skills we have at any point in time. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect, no intervention or program is perfect--and so we shouldn't expect perfection from ourselves, our children or the strategies we try.

7 Comments

Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

10/24/2014

1 Comment

By Brenda Dater

When our kids were young, I wanted my husband to read everything I could find about Asperger's. I often felt compelled to try (almost) every intervention suggested to us, especially when the diagnosis was new. My husband was supportive, but skeptical.

Finding the balance between our approaches wasn't always easy. Sometimes we let being right be more important that finding a solution. Sometimes our conversations were so predictable it was as if we were following a script in a poorly written play. And sometimes we'd have an "aha" moment and be able to solve a tough problem together.

But what do you do when you and your partner disagree on why your child is struggling and what you should do about it?

1 Comment

When Siblings Collide--What's Fair? 6 Tips to Calm Sibling Chaos

10/10/2014

2 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Siblings have long memories when it comes to the perceived inconsistencies from parents. My older brothers can pull up examples from 40 years ago that clearly demonstrate the perceived advantages I received as the youngest sibling (and only girl). Parents try to treat kids fairly. So what do we do when one or more of our kids have special needs and require different rules, expectations and consequences?

2 Comments

Top Tips for Dealing with Parents who Exclude Your Kid

9/29/2014

5 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Through the years I've had parents actively intervene to keep their kid away from mine. One time a mom told me her family would be in Hawaii during my son's Bar Mitzvah. Then we saw her son walking down our street on the day of the service.

Another time a mom whose child enjoyed being with my son said she didn't want them to play together. She explained that she thought her son was picking up "autistic behaviors" and wanted him with "typical" kids so he'd be "more normal."

I'm not sure which is worse--the parent who clearly states she doesn't want your child anywhere near her own, or the one who lies to get out of potential interactions. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut by both of these moms. And I wondered, why do parents exclude our kids and what can we do when this happens?

5 Comments

Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer: Practical Tips for Parenting without Panic

9/22/2014

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By Brenda Dater

"Parents want to know if their children will be okay. They want to know what the future holds. I am full of hope for my own children and yours too. I hope that we are laying the foundation for them to understand themselves and the world around them. I hope that they believe in themselves and appreciate their abilities. I hope that the challenges and problems they encounter build their sense of resilience and bravery. And I hope they know how glad we are to have them in our lives."

--From "Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome)"

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Top Tips for De-Stressing IEP Meetings

9/15/2014

10 Comments

By Brenda Dater

IEP meetings can be very stressful--especially if you feel that your child is misunderstood and other parents have told you to expect a fight. As a mom who has attended IEP meetings since 1998 for my own kids and sat in on countless others through my work at AANE and helping friends, I've noticed that the following key tips can help you leave the meeting in a more hopeful state. Try them out at your next team meeting and let me know if they help!

10 Comments

5 Tips to Help your Child with Asperger's/Autism Develop Problem Solving Skills

9/6/2014

3 Comments

By Brenda Dater

I woke up this morning to a flurry of text messages sent during the wee hours of the night from my son who just started college this past week. They began with an urgent health question to me because health services was closed.. They ended with this,
"Going to the hospital about this, probably nothing, thought I should let you know."
And this an hour and a half later, "I'm fine, there wasn't anything to worry about. Just letting you know."

3 Comments

<<Previous

Gently Pushing My Child Out of His Comfort Zone

Disclosure 101: Why Parents Need to Talk to their Kids

What to do with Unhelpful Helpers

You Don't Have to be a Perfect Parent

Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

When Siblings Collide--What's Fair? 6 Tips to Calm Sibling Chaos

Top Tips for Dealing with Parents who Exclude Your Kid

Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer: Practical Tips for Parenting without Panic

Top Tips for De-Stressing IEP Meetings

5 Tips to Help your Child with Asperger's/Autism Develop Problem Solving Skills

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