Category: Aspergers

Gently Pushing My Child Out of His Comfort Zone

9/10/2016

My 20-year-old son, Noah, was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 and I’ve felt uncertain about how much to push him out of his comfort zone ever since.

2 Comments

Disclosure 101: Why Parents Need to Talk to their Kids

1/26/2016

5 Comments

By Brenda Dater

"How will I know when it's time to tell my children about their Asperger's/Autism diagnoses?"
"What should I say if my child asks me a question about autism?"
"Won't it just hurt his self-esteem to know a diagnosis? How does having a label help?"
"What's the best way to tell my children about their diagnoses? What shouldn't I do?"

Parents call AANE with these and similar questions everyday. They want to help their children understand themselves--understand how their diagnoses may affect them--but they also worry about what happens next. I posed the question of why parents should tell their children about an Asperger's diagnosis to my 18-year-old son, Noah, who was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 3 years old. With the help of our dog, Lavender, this is what he had to say…

5 Comments

What to do with Unhelpful Helpers

11/3/2015

2 Comments

By Brenda Dater

"You need to get rid of all juice, soda and candy in the house," my sons' pediatric dentist scolded as he pulled me out into the hall after their appointments. "Your boys' teeth show signs of decay. You aren't being strict enough."

My face turned red as I tried to keep my voice from shaking, "Could you talk to them about their teeth and what they need to do?" I asked.

"No, I need to keep a positive relationship with them. You need to do a better job of making sure they brush and floss and keep sugar away from them." he told me as he walked away.

2 Comments

Dear Parents of Typical Kids

9/12/2015

10 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Dear parents of typical kids,

I could have been labeled a helicopter parent for my oldest son, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 years old. When he started middle school 8 years ago, I tried to arrange for neighborhood kids to walk or bike to and from school together. I knew that other parents were not making plans for their kids. But my son was completely unaware of others’ plans and he wanted to be included and he didn’t feel comfortable calling to make arrangements on his own.

10 Comments

Dear Teacher, I Need Your Help

6/28/2015

6 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Dear Teacher,
Last week when we were chatting after school you said you were concerned about my son's writing. You explained that he's having a hard time getting started and his handwriting isn't legible. However, this morning at his annual meeting, you didn't talk about these challenges or suggest changes to his plan. When I glanced in your direction, you quickly looked away.

You understand my son's strengths and weaknesses. And I know you care and want to help. Nevertheless, you remained silent on the topic of new difficulties and potential supports or services at the IEP meeting. I left the meeting wondering, what kept you from sharing your professional expertise in a public setting?

6 Comments

Will My Asperger Family Be Resilient?

4/19/2015

6 Comments

By Brenda Dater

My husband, Jed, and the boys

"I've got bad news," my husband told me over the phone as I was driving down the Massachusetts Turnpike. "I just came out of a meeting and they laid off my entire group." I pulled to the side of the highway and listened in disbelief as he told me that his job of the last 10 years was gone.

Coincidentally, I had just given a talk on fostering resilience at a local school. It's easy to talk about, but hard to put it into practice, especially when you feel sucker punched.

6 Comments

Dear Grandma and Grandpa--I'm Not a Bad Kid

2/8/2015

19 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
I know you think I'm rude sometimes. The last time you tried to take me to the movies I screamed and put my hands over my ears because it was too loud and you got mad at me and said I ruined the movie for my little sister. Afterwards, when I was pacing in the back of the restaurant, you told me I needed to sit down with everyone. I heard you tell my mom that she should ignore me when I have a meltdown because all I want is attention. Sometimes I think you don't like me very much. But I want to let you know, I'm not a bad kid, I'm living with Asperger's.

19 Comments

Therapy 101: Tips for Deciding How to Spend Your Time, Money and Energy

12/6/2014

4 Comments

By Brenda Dater

When my son, Noah, was diagnosed with Asperger's 15 years ago, we were told he needed to have speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, sensory integration therapy and join a social skills group. I felt like I had to do everything the doctor recommended or else I'd be missing an opportunity to help my child. I spent a large proportion of my time driving to appointments and sitting in waiting rooms with lots of other moms. And I wondered, how will I know if this is the right thing to do?

4 Comments

You Don't Have to be a Perfect Parent

11/4/2014

7 Comments

By Brenda Dater

I love the idea of being a "good enough" parent. But there have been times when I felt like I had to be perfect--like when I was trying to teach a new skill to my kids or we had a pivotal school meeting. We are all doing the best we can with the skills we have at any point in time. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect, no intervention or program is perfect--and so we shouldn't expect perfection from ourselves, our children or the strategies we try.

7 Comments

Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

10/24/2014

1 Comment

By Brenda Dater

When our kids were young, I wanted my husband to read everything I could find about Asperger's. I often felt compelled to try (almost) every intervention suggested to us, especially when the diagnosis was new. My husband was supportive, but skeptical.

Finding the balance between our approaches wasn't always easy. Sometimes we let being right be more important that finding a solution. Sometimes our conversations were so predictable it was as if we were following a script in a poorly written play. And sometimes we'd have an "aha" moment and be able to solve a tough problem together.

But what do you do when you and your partner disagree on why your child is struggling and what you should do about it?

1 Comment

<<Previous

Gently Pushing My Child Out of His Comfort Zone

Disclosure 101: Why Parents Need to Talk to their Kids

What to do with Unhelpful Helpers

Dear Parents of Typical Kids

Dear Teacher, I Need Your Help

Will My Asperger Family Be Resilient?

Dear Grandma and Grandpa--I'm Not a Bad Kid

Therapy 101: Tips for Deciding How to Spend Your Time, Money and Energy

You Don't Have to be a Perfect Parent

Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

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