Brenda Dater's Blog: Author of Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome)

Gently Pushing My Child Out of His Comfort Zone

9/10/2016

My 20-year-old son, Noah, was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 and I’ve felt uncertain about how much to push him out of his comfort zone ever since.

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Disclosure 101: Why Parents Need to Talk to their Kids

1/26/2016

5 Comments

By Brenda Dater

"How will I know when it's time to tell my children about their Asperger's/Autism diagnoses?"
"What should I say if my child asks me a question about autism?"
"Won't it just hurt his self-esteem to know a diagnosis? How does having a label help?"
"What's the best way to tell my children about their diagnoses? What shouldn't I do?"

Parents call AANE with these and similar questions everyday. They want to help their children understand themselves--understand how their diagnoses may affect them--but they also worry about what happens next. I posed the question of why parents should tell their children about an Asperger's diagnosis to my 18-year-old son, Noah, who was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 3 years old. With the help of our dog, Lavender, this is what he had to say…

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What to do with Unhelpful Helpers

11/3/2015

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By Brenda Dater

"You need to get rid of all juice, soda and candy in the house," my sons' pediatric dentist scolded as he pulled me out into the hall after their appointments. "Your boys' teeth show signs of decay. You aren't being strict enough."

My face turned red as I tried to keep my voice from shaking, "Could you talk to them about their teeth and what they need to do?" I asked.

"No, I need to keep a positive relationship with them. You need to do a better job of making sure they brush and floss and keep sugar away from them." he told me as he walked away.

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Dear Parents of Typical Kids

9/12/2015

9 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Dear parents of typical kids,

I could have been labeled a helicopter parent for my oldest son, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 3 years old. When he started middle school 8 years ago, I tried to arrange for neighborhood kids to walk or bike to and from school together. I knew that other parents were not making plans for their kids. But my son was completely unaware of others’ plans and he wanted to be included and he didn’t feel comfortable calling to make arrangements on his own.

9 Comments

Dear Teacher, I Need Your Help

6/28/2015

6 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Dear Teacher,
Last week when we were chatting after school you said you were concerned about my son's writing. You explained that he's having a hard time getting started and his handwriting isn't legible. However, this morning at his annual meeting, you didn't talk about these challenges or suggest changes to his plan. When I glanced in your direction, you quickly looked away.

You understand my son's strengths and weaknesses. And I know you care and want to help. Nevertheless, you remained silent on the topic of new difficulties and potential supports or services at the IEP meeting. I left the meeting wondering, what kept you from sharing your professional expertise in a public setting?

6 Comments

Will My Asperger Family Be Resilient?

4/19/2015

5 Comments

By Brenda Dater

My husband, Jed, and the boys

"I've got bad news," my husband told me over the phone as I was driving down the Massachusetts Turnpike. "I just came out of a meeting and they laid off my entire group." I pulled to the side of the highway and listened in disbelief as he told me that his job of the last 10 years was gone.

Coincidentally, I had just given a talk on fostering resilience at a local school. It's easy to talk about, but hard to put it into practice, especially when you feel sucker punched.

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Dear Grandma and Grandpa--I'm Not a Bad Kid

2/8/2015

19 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
I know you think I'm rude sometimes. The last time you tried to take me to the movies I screamed and put my hands over my ears because it was too loud and you got mad at me and said I ruined the movie for my little sister. Afterwards, when I was pacing in the back of the restaurant, you told me I needed to sit down with everyone. I heard you tell my mom that she should ignore me when I have a meltdown because all I want is attention. Sometimes I think you don't like me very much. But I want to let you know, I'm not a bad kid, I'm living with Asperger's.

19 Comments

Realistic Asperger Family Resolutions to Reduce Stress

1/4/2015

6 Comments

By Brenda Dater

Family resolutions are tricky because you aren't just focusing on your own behavior. For many years I had dreams of happy family outings that didn't require strategic pre-planning and careful execution to avoid meltdowns. I also hoped for interactions where one person talked at a time (at a reasonable volume). But this year, I'm setting realistic family resolutions.

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Therapy 101: Tips for Deciding How to Spend Your Time, Money and Energy

12/6/2014

4 Comments

By Brenda Dater

When my son, Noah, was diagnosed with Asperger's 15 years ago, we were told he needed to have speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, sensory integration therapy and join a social skills group. I felt like I had to do everything the doctor recommended or else I'd be missing an opportunity to help my child. I spent a large proportion of my time driving to appointments and sitting in waiting rooms with lots of other moms. And I wondered, how will I know if this is the right thing to do?

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Parenting without Panic Q&A: Managing Holiday Mayhem

11/15/2014

1 Comment

By Brenda Dater

Parenting without Panic Responds to Readers' FAQs:
Join other parents and family members who are trying to find answers to their top concerns. You can submit questions and comments by email, on Facebook and Twitter and through the Parenting without Panic website. All questions will be posted anonymously (unless you really want your name attached). I can't wait to hear from you!

Our first question comes from a mom of a 12-year-old with Asperger's and an 8-year-old with ADHD. She writes...

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<<Previous

Gently Pushing My Child Out of His Comfort Zone

Disclosure 101: Why Parents Need to Talk to their Kids

What to do with Unhelpful Helpers

Dear Parents of Typical Kids

Dear Teacher, I Need Your Help

Will My Asperger Family Be Resilient?

Dear Grandma and Grandpa--I'm Not a Bad Kid

Realistic Asperger Family Resolutions to Reduce Stress

Therapy 101: Tips for Deciding How to Spend Your Time, Money and Energy

Parenting without Panic Q&A: Managing Holiday Mayhem

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